Theatre

A Bluffer’s Guide to surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Sooner or later, as any pop-culture-savvy guy or girl knows, society is going to crumble and some failed lab experiment or inexplicable event will bring about the zombie apocalypse. Millions will have their brains mercilessly munched, and the heroic survivors will be few. Our friends at Bluffers.com can show you how to be among them.

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  1. As soon as you can, cover yourself in zombie guts. The face too. Top it up like you would sun cream. Zombies aren’t very bright, and if you smell like them, they’ll probably leave you alone. Worth it? Only you can decide.
  1. Brush up on your leadership skills. You don’t want to be the one stuck in the shopping mall wailing “We’re all going to DIIIEEEE”, much less the guy who gets ordered to be first over the chainlink fence to “make a run for it”. People need a leader when they’re under siege, so take charge — that way, you won’t get chomped. Say things like “Ain’t nobody gonna be no brain salad for no zombie on my watch, no sir” — ideally in a gruff, Matthew McConaughy voice. Bonus points for wearing tatty plaid shirts, leather jackets and/or distressed Metallica t-shirts. People trust that stuff.
  1. Keep up with your cardio. If you’re facing the classic Romero or Fulci shuffling zombie, don’t get complacent – you’ll still need to leg it. If you’re stuck with the 28 Days Later or Zombielandstyle runners, don’t despair: they’re probably easier to trip up.
  1. Always carry a tin opener. Don’t forget to loot one from the supermarket.
  1. Since food will be scarce, you might want to try to overcome your natural squeamishness, take a leaf out of the undead’s cookbook and develop a taste for human flesh. If you can’t beat ‘em, eat ‘em!
  1. Zombies love brains. Make yours a little less tasty and juicy by binge-reading any gossip or fashion magazines you can find. But don’t make yourself so dim that you forget how to drive. Driving is important.
  1. Learn to hot-wire cars. Always check for the keys first, though – in the ignition, the glove box, the disembodied hand of the car’s previous owner which may be lying on the back seat. Oof, sorry, bro.
  1. Just because the world has ended doesn’t mean you should let yourself go (the fashion mags would say that if they could). Be bold! Loot some sexy yet practical apocalypse clobber. Sturdy boots, tight trousers and itsy-bitsy vests in muted dark shades will make you so attractive you could raise the dead. Also, don’t forget to loot some deodorant. And er, maybe go easy on the zombie-gut facemask on a Saturday night.

This advice comes from Bluffers.com – what busy people read to sound smart AND funny”.

If you need more Zombie survival inspiration, see them in all their gory glory in The Circus of Horrors: The Night of the Zombie. Get your tickets, here.

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