Music
Interview
Mike Bubbins says “come get me” to Strictly Come Dancing
The man, the myth, the Mammoth... we get to know the Welsh comic ahead of his new UK tour Ideas Man
Mike Bubbins seems surprised at the speed of his success. He’s perhaps best known for writing and starring in BBC sitcom Mammoth. “I remember being blown away when the pilot came through, because lockdown got in the way of stuff. We didn’t have a massive budget. You’ve got to pinch yourself. There was a scene last year where I’m riding a speedboat across Cardiff Bay. And the bay was sort of shut down to film this scene. I thought, This is madness. I can’t believe this is happening”.
Well, the show has been a success, and the comedian, actor and co-host of The Socially Distant Sports Bar podcast is consequently working on the third series, as well as preparing a nationwide tour of his new show Ideas Man, which kicks off in September and takes in some big, prestigious rooms.
Not familiar with the bloke? He describes himself as such: “I am a man. And when I say a man, I mean ALL man. A man’s man. A man’s man who, at the same time, is very much a woman’s man”. But if you are familiar with him from Mammoth, what can you expect from the Mike Bubbins live experience? “I’m not knocking other writers and the way that things happen. At one point in my life, I was watching a lot of sitcoms and thinking, I don’t really want to be educated, I don’t want to be philosophised. I don’t want things to get too moralistic. I just want to have a laugh. I want to turn over and know that I’m watching a sitcom. I want to make a sitcom that is all about funny. For the live show, it’s the same sort of thing”.
“I wanted to make a show that was funny. People kept saying, ‘Well, what’s the theme?’ The theme is to make people laugh. There’ll be funny stories, there’ll be jokes. There may or may not be a bar on stage. We haven’t decided that yet”.
Perhaps don’t book tickets hoping for theatre monologues or an emotional story arc, then. The Barry-born comic is happy with the way things are. “I can’t believe my job for an hour and a half has been having a laugh with people. Then I come backstage, they bring me some nice food in, and I have a free pint of beer. This is bloody brilliant”.
Though he may have been surprised at the speed of his success, don’t take Bubbins for the type to be afflicted by imposter syndrome, as he explains as we get to know each other…
Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?
You think I’m going to say Elvis! Alive or dead?
Either.
When I say that – they’re not a corpse. They’re a person that is alive, but in the real world has died.
If you would prefer a corpse of somebody, it could be a corpse.
If you lived with Elvis, who died in 1977, that would be horrendous.
I think you get to pick whether they’re alive or whether it’s their bones.
I’d have an alive [hesitates] …I’m not sure Elvis would be amazing company, though. Because he was in the industry from such a young age, and he was so famous so quickly, and he lived in a bubble, essentially. I’m not sure he’s got a lot of stories that don’t involve his entourage and just the insides of planes, the insides of hotels. It must be quite a lonely life, I’d imagine.
I think Billy Connolly’s brilliant. I think he’s a fantastic comic. I also think he’s got a wicked Joie de Vivre. I love his books, I love him playing the banjo, I love his artwork. I just think he’s a really interesting, funny man. So I think either Billy Connolly, or my other favourite comic would be someone like Richard Pryor. I’d love to hear his story of growing up. The time he grew up in would be fascinating as well. And he’d just crack you up as well.
And then Gene Wilder. So one of those three. If it was Gene Wilder, Richard Pryor or Billy Connolly, I wouldn’t care how long the mechanic took to get the lift going again.
Who would you least like to be stuck in the lift with?
Oh, man. There’s so many obvious choices. The thing about Mammoth: he’s the opposite of somebody I’d dislike. At surface level there’s a lot of Mammoth in me, and vice versa. It’s probably about 95%, to be honest.
He’s a bloke’s bloke. In a way that my dad’s a bloke’s bloke, and a lot of people’s dads were bloke’s blokes, you know? I think a lot of people these days want to tell you how terrible men are. I’m not a terrible bloke. None of my friends are terrible blokes. The problem is terrible blokes are the noisiest blokes, and they’re making the noise, you know? So imagine, for a second, being stuck in a lift with Andrew Tate. Can you think of anything worse?
You’d be talking to yourself, banging your head against a brick wall. And it’s performative. He doesn’t mean half of that stuff he says. So yeah, anyone from the manosphere would be draining. And do you know what? If you walked into my rugby club and acted like that. Someone would probably stick one on your nose.
Can you describe your new tour show as if it was being marketed as a huge blockbuster film?
Yeah, so: National treasure Mike Bubbins brings his wonderful stories. His side-splitting anecdotes. His well-crafted comedy. His razor sharp wit and keen observations on life, in an immersive comedy experience.
Strap in for an hour and a half of rollercoaster thrills and spills as funny man Bubbins exposes himself, Figuratively – and possibly, actually – to his audience.
What will the tagline be? In a theatre, everyone can hear you laugh. Off the top of my head, that’s not bad.
Which rugby team do you most dislike, and why?
I mean, I’m Welsh, right? So you grow up desperate to dislike the England rugby team, and all that it stands for, right?
I do a program called Scrum V Top 5 for BBC Wales, where I get to interview my favourite rugby players, right? So I got in touch with the people who book it, and said “See if Will Carling is available”. As a Welsh boy growing up, he was Sandhurst; public school; friends with the royal family; England captain; ex-army. He was the most English of English rugby, right? What a lovely bloke. It was disappointing. What a nice man.
Do I hate a team? When I was in school, it was the local team. The local rivals were called St Cyres. They were in Penarth, and Penarth was the posh town. Barry was the rough town. So I hated them, as you get sent off against them a lot because you’re always fighting.
But as an adult, there’s two teams that play in junior rugby. I’ll say that if you’re involved in kid’s rugby in the South Wales area, you will know the two teams I’m talking about. And that’s what I’ll say, because… They take it very, very seriously. They nick other team’s best players. And they’ve just got it all wrong, basically. They’re missing the point of it. They’re both doing it for the wrong reasons.
What’s the weirdest interaction you’ve ever had with a famous person?
The fella who did the music for Mammoth, Mike Post, I interviewed him on a radio show I did about the seventies, because he wrote all my favourite theme tunes. He wrote The Rockford Files, he wrote The A-Team, Quantum Leap, NYPD Blue, L.A. Law… He wrote all those iconic theme tunes from the 70s and the 80s.
So, I had a little five minute chat with him. Which turned into an hour on the phone, for this pre-record. And he was lovely. I was just about getting to the stage of pitching Mammoth then. And he said to me “Well, listen: let me know how it goes, and I’ll do your theme tune for you”. Fast forward three years. I’m going to London to sort of sign the paperwork and I think: I wonder if I’ve still got his email.
I found his email. I said “Mike, just letting you know, it’s Mike from Wales, we spoke a few years ago. That sitcom got commissioned. I wouldn’t expect you to write the theme tune, mate, I’m not gonna hold you to that.. just thought you’d like to know. And he went “I’m doing the theme tune”. I said “we can’t really afford a Mike Post theme show, I don’t think”. He went “don’t worry about it, I’ve got lots of money”. Then, the weird thing was he then said “Do you play golf?”. I said, “yeah, I’m not very good”.
So he flew in. I’d never met him before. I got to pick him up from Cardiff Airport. There’s a private charter part of the airport. I see this plane come in. I was expecting something small, like a Cessna. There’s this big Gulfstream V coming in. It is his plane. It’s a 40-seater thing, right? Just him and his two pilots on board. He said “come and see the plane!”. There’s a cocktail cabinet, double beds. I thought “my god”. So we went and had a game of golf. We had a pint of Carling, and he thought it was like nectar. He’s going “oh my god, what’s this beer, man? This is awesome”.
“It’s just a pint of Carling, Mike.”
“Oh man, Carling, yeah, Carling. Well, wow. What is that?”
I said “it’s just a beer, literally a bog-standard beer”.
We had a pint of Carling and a Chinese takeaway, and he flew back to Los Angeles.
Is there anything culturally that we wouldn’t expect you to be into?
I love Erasure. Probably my favorite, certainly my favorite band of the last 30 or 40 years.
And I’ll just say this: I’ve watched every Strictly Come Dancing episode since day one. I took my mom – when she was alive – to see the live shows. I’ve got a full-size Bruce Forsyth cutout in my bar.
At this point I’m now duty-bound to ask you: would you do Strictly if asked?
Oh my god, they wouldn’t finish the sentence. They would not finish the sentence. And you can go back to my Facebook from ten years ago, I joke about things like: I’m only doing comedy so I get invited to do Strictly one day. The reason I’m driving to Leeds on a rainy Thursday, is so that one day in the future I might get the phone call.
And I’ve won Celebrity Mastermind. I’ve won Richard Osman’s House of Games. I’ve every faith in myself, that if I get on there, I’d win it. I’m very light on my feet, for a big lad.
Do you know new Strictly Come Dancing host Josh Widdicome?
I know Josh well, yeah. We started around the same time. His brother’s a good friend of mine as well.
Okay, that’s helpful…
It is helpful. I texted him immediately when I finally heard the news. I said, “Congratulations, mate, I’m really pleased for you. There’s a life-sized Bruce Forsyth in my bar. If you ever want there to be a life-size Josh Widdicome in the bar, you know what to do”.
I love it. That’s Saturday night TV, where you can sit down… it’s a cliche, but my kids love it, my wife loves it. When Mum was alive, we’d all sit down together and watch Strictly. And the band are great, the singers are great, the costumes are great, the lighting’s brilliant, the dancing’s really cool, the stories are good, and the presenters… this is proper Saturday night entertainment.
If I don’t get on it now, I’m gonna feel a right plum. But I do love it.
What’s the last gig or live show that you went to?
I go and see a lot of musicals now, my daughter’s into that, so I went to go and see Wicked.
I’m gutted, because for this year I had tickets for Billy Joel, and Billy Joel canceled. I had tickets for Neil Young, and then Neil Young canceled. It might’ve been last summer, I went to go and see Paul Heaton – who was brilliant – at Cardiff Castle. And in the same week I saw Crowded House.
I tell you what, Hyde Park, the last few years there… I saw Tom Petty’s last gig in Europe at Hyde Park with Stevie Nicks. I saw Paul Simon at Hyde Park, we’ve seen Pulp at Hyde Park. What a venue, for an outdoor venue that isn’t built for gigs. It’s a fabulous venue. The sound is amazing and the stage is great.
I’m pretty certain those Hyde Park gigs are promoted by Ticketmaster’s rivals, AEG.
Oh, in that case, they’re shit gigs, don’t go to see those. Rubbish. Always look at the bottom of the poster. Who’s it by? If it’s by Ticketmaster, then go and see that one.
What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
Oh my god, I’ve done some terrible jobs. I worked in a place called the Majestic Holiday Resort, which had been Butlins previously before they got bought out. I spent a summer working there. Essentially, if I wasn’t cleaning hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of stainless steel teapots with scouring powder and wire wool, I was tramping down all the rubbish and the compactor outside and the skips. That was a bad job.
I also worked briefly in a factory making alloy wheels, where my job was sitting on a stool, on a production line, blowing water droplets off steel wheels with a compressed air hose, for eight hours in a shift. I’m thinking, “I’m sure there’s a machine that can do this”. Just some sort of sensor under the compressed air hose, so you won’t have to sit a bored 25-year-old here with a hose.
But that’s all part of… I think the sort of comedy I do is quite old school, because I came to it late. I didn’t know there was a university comedy scene. I was 35 when I first got on an open mic night and did a bit of material. Because I got bored easily, I’ve just done loads of jobs in loads of places, been to loads of places. Because I wouldn’t plan things. A bit like Anthony Bourdain. I would just sort of go to Canada with 40 quid in my pocket and a blanket for 6 months. It’s lovely.
How do you feel about the fact that moustaches are now highly fashionable?
I know. It’s a tough one, isn’t it? Because I’ve probably had a moustache for about 15 years now. And I’d always wanted one, because I love Burt Reynolds. When I grew it, I got stick at first. Then people got used to it. But yeah – you see a lot of them around now. Quite hipstery, isn’t it? I don’t know. I’m glad that the young people have embraced it.
Have people been reacting to it differently since mustaches re-entered the center of our culture?
Yeah, maybe. But I dress fairly unusually compared to most people. I was on the tube about six months ago. A woman said “Oh my god, you are Mammoth, aren’t you?” I said “Well, I’m Mike. But I play Mammoth, yeah.” She said “Oh, we love Mammoth, my husband and I. Are you making more?” I said “yeah”. She went “Are you filming now?” I said no. She asked “So why are you in costume?” I said “Well, I’m not in costume, I’m just wearing my clothes”.
And people say “Do you watch Mammoth? I love that car he drives, the Capri. It’s nice, isn’t it? Why don’t you ask if they’ll let you keep it?”.
This is my car. They have to let me keep it. I own it.
What’s the skill that you have that nobody knows that you’re great at?
I don’t think I’m bad at anything. That sounds awful, doesn’t it? It really pees off the boys of the Socially Distant Sports Bar podcast. I just… tend to be able to do stuff.
Apart from chemistry, I think I can do everything. I used to joke about acting, saying it would be a piece of piss. And then I tried it, and it was a piece of piss. Then I thought, I’ll do Mastermind, and they said “Oh, good luck”. I said “I don’t need luck, I’ll win it”. And I did win it. Then I did the same thing for House of Games.
I was doing a thing for BBC Wales not long ago, with the ex-world rugby player of the year Shane Williams. It was a passing challenge, where you had to pass a ball through a target. Stupid bit of fun. The producer said “Imagine if you beat Shane”. I said “I will beat Shane”. He said “No, but imagine if you did, though”. I said “but I will beat him. I’ll beat him”. And I beat him. And he was devastated. But it was brilliant, I loved it.
What’s your controversial food opinion?
Here’s one: five a day. Rubbish. Just plucked out of mid-air; doesn’t mean anything. Some days I’ll have zero fruit and vegetables, some days I’ll have ten. And wherever you go, there’s a different guideline. And if all the guidelines are different, it means it’s nonsense.
Some people are 25 stone, some people are eight stone, but guess what? We should all have five bits of fruit a day. Shut up. That’s nonsense. Absolute nonsense.
If you are going to design the public health guidelines, what would your guideline be?
Eat what you enjoy. Because guess what? You know, we’re all going to shuffle off this little mortal coil. Because in 60 years’ time, you and everyone around you is probably not going to be here. So what do you want to eat steamed carrots for? And make sure you’re getting your five a day in? Shut up. If you like fruit, eat fruit. Great! Have 55 a day, I don’t care.
I just don’t know what the point is. To live longer and be miserable. I don’t want an extra ten years of being bored. And plus, the end of your life is the shit bit, isn’t it? I don’t want another ten years when I’m 80. Enjoy yourself now. In moderation. And do you know what? If you don’t want to do moderation, don’t do that either!
People are like “We should have a European drinking culture”. Who says? Alcohol-free beer, I don’t get it. I don’t drink it, and I don’t get it. Have a pint of squash. Have a lemonade. [Puts on a voice] “It tastes just like beer, mate. You wouldn’t know the difference”. I would know the difference, it doesn’t get you pissed – and that’s why I’m drinking it.
What’s your guiltiest pleasure?
I’m not condoning drunkenness. I do love it when you have an accidental session.
Like, I’m gonna go and see the rugby, probably with my boy, and a couple of mates of mine. Down in Cardiff in the Arms Park there. It was a great game of rugby. Cardiff Arms Park is right in the middle of town, it’s a lovely ground. The staff are really nice. The rugby was great. We watched the sun go down. It’s a lovely evening. I just tipped over.
I said to my wife that she’d better come pick my boy up. She said “why?” I said “I think it’s gonna tip over”. I’d had, like, two or three pints, and she came and got him. I got him in the car, and I said “I’ll see you later”. It was just an accidental piss-up.
I got home about one o’clock in the morning. It was lovely, though. I hadn’t planned it. I fully intended to go and have two pints. And then she was going to pick us up. We’d go home together. But I just said “Babe, come and pick up the boy, because… it’s happened. I thought it might, and it has”. And it was just joyous. We didn’t leave the clubhouse, we just stayed in there, with old friends and some new friends. We’d had a great day at the rugby. It was just a lovely session.
You know that when you get to 50 you’re probably going to have a bit of a hangover. No one tells you this when you’re in your 30s and your 40s. No one tells you that in your 50s, you get a psychological hangover. It’s not the physical side of it. You’ve got this horrible… funk for a day or two.
So there has to be a reason for it. So I don’t do the weekly drink anymore, because it’s not worth the trade-off. So my guilty pleasure now is the accidental piss up. I love it.
Mike Bubbins tours his new show Ideas Man from September – find tickets here.
