The best jokes you won’t find in a cracker

Let Frankie Boyle, Jimmy Carr, Katherine Ryan, Peter Kay and more make your Christmas dinner a whole lot funnier this year

What did the Christmas cracker say to the drunk uncle in the paper hat? The same thing it said last year, the year before and every year since the drunk uncle was too young to get the hat to stay on his head. Cracker jokes are always a bit rubbish, and they’re always exactly the same. If you don’t want to spend Christmas dinner guessing the answers to the same stinkers you’ve heard all your life (“deep and crisp and even!” “Freeze a jolly good fellow!”, “the elf-abet!”), why not let the professionals tell the jokes instead?

Here, then, are the greatest one-liners from the best stand-ups around – the only Christmas cracker jokes that don’t end in awkward silence.

“What’s Postman Pat called on his holiday? Pat.”
Aisling Bea

“My dad used to work in a tiddlywink factory. But he didn’t like it. He said it was counter productive.”
Alex Horne

“A skeleton walks into a pub. He asks for a pint of bitter. And a mop.”
Dave Gorman

“Men are like dolphins – best enjoyed on holiday.”
Katherine Ryan

“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”
Peter Kay

“Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called Countdown?”
Frankie Boyle

“How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?”
Ross Noble

“Do you think butterflies get tattoos of white girls on their lower backs?”
Russell Howard

“When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.”
Jimmy Carr

“Lying ruined my marriage. That’s a lie. I cheated.”
Kevin Hart

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.”
Phil Wang

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
Jack Whitehall

“For the price of a single ticket to go and watch a football match, I could take my whole family to a farm park. We could go on the donkeys. We could get lunch and tea. I could go on a tractor. All for the price of a single ticket. And that’s why I go and watch the football.”
Romesh Ranganathan

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
Tim Vine

“If you get offended by any jokes, by the way, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten-year-old in China.”
Frankie Boyle

All of the comedians above are playing shows in 2023. Find tickets for the best stand-ups here.