Interview
Interview
David Cross thinks Timothée Chalamet should play him in a biopic
Ahead of his upcoming tour, David Cross talks Trump, medical experiments, and convincing Timothée Chalamet to play him in a biopic
David Cross is no stranger to the UK and the idiosyncratic ways of our fair residents – his dad was born in Leeds and he has UK citizenship, after all. But not all of said fair residents have necessarily won his heart.
At the top of our conversation over Zoom, the US comedian, actor, writer and voice artist recalls a bewilderingly fraught interaction with a random woman he met whilst he was killing time in a local Leeds pub: “At some point this woman went off on me. On me. A switch went off. She started throwing punches, she was screaming and yelling at me, banging on the glass. I’ve come to understand that’s a typical night out in Leeds.”
Hopefully he avoids that specific someone when he heads back to Leeds in April 2025: Cross is about to embark on the UK leg of his 10th international stand-up tour, titled The End Of The Beginning Of The End.
“I just thought it was a cool title. I think it was a bit vague or ambiguous to most people,” the satirist shrugs, though it seems fairly clear what he was strongly hinting at. “Now that Trump was re-elected and is setting the world on fire, I think it is pretty obvious. 2016 was the beginning of the end, and now it’s the end of the beginning of the end.”
One thing’s for sure, it’s categorically the end of an iconic comedy character Cross portrayed for a hefty portion of his career. A stand-up comic first and foremost, David – who can count himself as a close chum of The Strokes after his cameo in the 2005 music video for ‘Juicebox’ – became a cult comedy hero in film, television, and video games for his roles in HBO sketch series Mr. Show With Bob And David, the Kung Fu Panda franchise, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, the live-action Alvin And The Chipmunks reboot (for which he’s recently been meme-fied) but most notably, the hapless “never-nude” syndrome sufferer Tobias Fünke in Arrested Development. “No,” he quickly retorts after asking if he’ll ever don the denim cut-off shorts again. “I mean, with global warming, yeah sure. If it comes down to it. If I have a pair of scissors and the heat goes up, I’ll cut those legs off.”
Ahead of his tour, we got stuck in a lift with David Cross to talk about irritating Donald Trump, his double-life as a “professional” swimmer, taking part in medical experiments, and convincing Timothée Chalamet to play him in a biopic.
Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?
Partly I want to say the person who knows how to get it unstuck, providing they have the requisite equipment. But for funsies sake – assuming we don’t have to procreate, that’d make it a much different answer – I’d say Donald Trump. Just me and Trump. I love the idea [that] he’d have no power, and would have to listen to me. I’d annoy the f*ck out of him. Hoping it’d take four hours or so to get it fixed. It’d be just me and him. He’d have to listen to me. I’d irritate the utter f*ck out of him. It’d be great.
Who would you least like to be stuck in a lift with?
I guess, somebody that doesn’t smell good? Hmm… Oh, wait: my dad!
What’s the weirdest interaction you’ve had with a famous person?
There’s been a couple. There’s one that’s well known, at least to my fans. Jim Belushi. I wrote about it in my book, I Drink For A Reason. It was such an odd thing. He just kept being a bigger dick, in the sense of somebody digging a hole for themselves. He didn’t give a shit, so it’s not really an applicable analogy. But he kept getting more despicable and awful with every exchange, with every choice of answer he made as our conversation went on. He got worse and worse and worse. He was reprehensible. The worst thing he said before he walked away from me was “Jesus. You’re worse than my second wife. I thought that you were gonna get me a blowjob”, like, from a fan of his or something. That’s what he walked away with. I was like, ‘wow, ok?’
What was the last gig or show you went to?
I saw The Shins when they reunited. I saw Les Savy Fav’s secret show recently too.
What’s on your rider?
Umm, not much at all. It’s really just a bag of chips, well crisps – any flavour except for BBQ – a bottle of cabernet or zinfandel, a six pack of low ABV IPA. I think that’s it. I’m a pretty simple guy!
What’s your guiltiest pleasure?
This stupid f*ckin’ game I’m playing on my phone rather than doing other worthwhile things. It’s called Royal Match, I think? It’s just a strategy puzzle game, but mainly luck. It’s a step up from Candy Crush. The same idea, but has all these mini-games. It’s just dumb. I feel guilty playing it. It’s the true definition of guilty pleasure. I like it because it’s zen for my brain, all external concerns fade away. I just concentrate on this dumb little thing. Yet, I feel extremely guilty for playing it, and not reading [Nikolai] Gogol.
Two-parted question: Who would you want to play you in a biopic, and realistically who do you think would play you in a biopic?
That’s a good question. I really want to play me in a biopic of my life, but I’d play me even as a kid. Every step of the way. They’d have to use AI anti-aging effects. I mean, it wouldn’t be that successful, but playing me as a seven-year-old would be fun.
Who would play me… I’m going to say Paul Giamatti. I would like him to play me. But you gotta get somebody younger and age them up. So much important shit happened when I was a teenager. Ok then, Timothée Chalamet. That’s what you wanted to hear.
It’d be funny if they de-aged you like Robert De Niro in The Irishman, playing a 30 year old man but trotting about with bowed legs.
Ugh what a shitty movie. I watched about an hour of it about a week ago. First of all it’s f*cking boring, and second it’s a story that’s been told millions of times already. It’s the same shit. It’s boring. It’s a boring movie.
What did the 12-year-old you imagine you’d be doing now?
Boy, I don’t think a 12-year-old me ever thought about it. I was just trying to survive in a shitty situation. I probably was starting to get into the idea of acting or comedy. But barely. Not like it’s my true heart’s desire, or knowing it was for me. I think a 12-year-old me would be pretty surprised. I wonder if a 12-year-old me would get along with my daughter?
What’s the worst advice you’ve ever been given?
To not swear when I’m doing standup, [given to me] by another comedian who took offence to my potty mouth. It’s just meaningless. It’s not like ‘oh if I did that I’d be a bad comic’. It’s just dumb advice that wouldn’t have any practical application.
What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
I did medical experiments. I don’t know if that counts as a job, but I got paid for it. Yeah, I did medical experiments.
What was the drug and what were they trying to find out?
Well, you had to stay in this house and were basically locked in. You could leave but if you left before the trial was over you’d forfeit the money you’d have gotten. Which wasn’t a lot. Everybody in this place never went outside. There were board games and television with a few cable channels, but that’s about it. Everyone else taking part were drug addicts and people way down on their luck. I want to say the first one was a blood thinner or something, then the second one I did was for antacids. That I remember pretty vividly.
Were there any adverse effects?
Yeah… They make you eat all this stuff to induce acid reflux. Then you’d either have the medication or the placebo. So, if you had the placebo you’d just be in pain for ten hours. The first one was for like five hundred bucks which was the most money I’d ever had in one sitting.
What’s the skill that no one else knows you’re good at?
Probably swimming. I’m a really good swimmer. I used to be a professional. Wait, no I didn’t. I used to swim competitively for the first third of my life. I’m a surprisingly good swimmer, I’m fast. I love swimming. I taught my daughter how to swim when she was less than one year old. I was a real water baby.
What’s your wildest prediction for your 2025 bingo card?
So, I want to fill this out on my bingo card, and when I get it I yell out ‘bingo’? Is it in the centre of the bingo card? It’s important! Well, I hope I’m wrong. Well, I hope I’m right because I want to win at bingo. What’s the prize?
A million quid?
Oh shit, ok. A million quid. I thought it was going to be a box of biscuits or something. I think there’s going to be another major outbreak of some disease that is going to spread. I don’t think it’s going to be like Covid. But it’s going to be big. No one will be on top of it. Many people will unfortunately suffer as governments dither and dilly-dally. The US will not only not be helpful, but they’ll be detrimental to helping the cause.
That’s an incredibly positive note to end on...
BINGO!
