Comedy
Listicle
10 things we’d like to see in the Bake Off musical
Everything we're dreaming about as this very British musical prepares to hit the stage
Has there even been a more British concept for a West End show? America has Hamilton, the game changer that celebrated the American story, championed diversity, and brought hip-hop to the West End. Now we too have a show that speaks directly to the heart of a nation – Great British Bake Off The Musical. Premiering at Cheltenham’s Everyman Theatre, the production has announced an impressive cast full of West End-experienced performers with hopes to create an unforgettable musical comedy. And whilst we’re sure the show’s creative team have it all under control, we have just a few suggestions that we believe will make Great British Bake Off the Musical worthy of a Paul Hollywood handshake.
#Bingate
Has any Shakespearean drama told a better story of betrayal than when 69-year-old Diana Beard removed Iain Watters’ baked Alaska from the freezer and ruined his chances for the Bake Off crown? The official story is that it was all an accident, but the consequences were severe – Watters binned the ruined desert and then presented it to Paul and Mary from said bin. After he was removed from the tent, all hell broke loose on Twitter, with some viewers calling for Beard’s arrest. Any production that doesn’t turn this debacle into a showstopping sequence is missing a trick.
The BBC break-up and the Channel 4 shift
There’s no better end of Act 1 cliffhanger than the parting of ways with the BBC. Bonus points if hosts, judges and TV execs get to take part in a heart-wrenching break-up ballad. Of course, in real life the move to Channel 4 was all kinds of anticlimactic – nothing really changed, did it? – so maybe a little artistic license is needed here.
A Waitress crossover
You can’t do a baking musical without paying your respects to Jenna. It would be fun to see her appear as a contestant in the tent, possibly alongside the cast of Life of Pi(e)? If you think we’re reaching already then maybe give the rest of this piece a miss.
Nadiya Hussain as the Spirit of Bake Off
The champion of all Bake Off champions, Nadiya would assume a role similar to that of Teen Angel in Grease, there to guide the contestants through in times of trouble. When the drama heightened she would descend from the rafters, the embodiment of grace, and smile benevolently upon the audience. She would be played by herself, because no one is worthy.
An innuendo-filled musical number
This would be Mary Berry’s big solo, named ‘Soggy Bottoms’. An unbelievable amount of innocent yet subtly suggestive phrases would be packed into a three-minute display of sheer lyrical mastery.
Peter Andre as Paul Hollywood
Listen, we’re sure that the current cast will do a magnificent job, but if there’s an opening for some celebrity features then this would be our top pick. Especially if he gets to sing ‘Flava’.
James Acaster
With no script, no direction, and only the briefest of briefings, Acaster would be pushed out onto the Everyman stage to reprise his role as ‘contestant who has no idea what’s happening at any given point’. His appearance on the celebrity edition of the show gave us some of the best British TV moments of the last decade – here’s hoping that lightning strikes twice.
Paul Hollywood’s hand as its own set piece
Picture this: a tense break in a fraught and urgent musical number, as Hollywood (sorry, Andre) bends over a contestant’s plate with his fork. The theatre holds its breath as he chews – and then a giant animatronic hand comes swooping out over the audience, palm open. This would be followed by at least four minutes of intricate handshake-based choreography.
A Mary Berry vs Prue Leith dance off
Who’s the real bake-off MVP? The question is final settled in this high-stakes shakedown, in which two members of British TV royalty leave it all on the dancefloor.
Noel Fielding played by three ravens in a trench coat
Alternative casting, at a push: a colony of bats.
