Luisa Omielan is our single ladies agony aunt

Comedian Luisa Omielan is staging the ultimate single ladies bash this Valentine’s Day, as she brings her one-of-a-kind ball to London’s Islington Assembly Hall.

As if that wasn’t enough, Luisa – known best for her shows What Would Beyoncé Do?! and Am I Right Ladies?! – has turned Agony Aunt for tmBlog.

As she sets about solving some common relationship and single lady dilemmas, something tells us this lady is the perfect love doctor…

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Dear Luisa, I’ve just broken up with my boyfriend of 7 years and this is my first Valentine’s Day as a single lady. What do I even do with myself?!

Oh that’s really hard, put on some ’80s power ballads, cry really hard and I thoroughly recommend that you need to get absolutely shit faced and debauchery. Put on a full face, wear trainers and a onesie and come party with me at my ball. We can leave a voicemail at the end of the night and everything!

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Hi Luisa, I’m not really the relationship type but suddenly all my friends are shacked up for Valentine’s Day. They won’t stop with the friend pity but I’m really fine. Any advice?

Yeah because you is boring?! Hell your friends! Thing is, you know you’re fine, so the only way is up, whereas their expectations of the day are going to be sky high so can only lead to disappointment. As your expectations are so low, come and see a comedian you have never heard of, get your mind blown and brag to them on Sunday about your epic night whilst wiping the tears of their ‘he didn’t even get me flowers’ disappointment.

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Dear Luisa, what’s the key to being a proud single lady?

Be proud of yourself, achieve something with your career/ work/ body, do classes, make your own life a fun one to live in, and the rest will shine through.

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Hi Luisa, all my single girlfriends are hating on Valentine’s Day and it’s so awkward. How do I get them to relax?

Tell em hating is ugly!! Get over wanting a relationship, enjoy the day with your best friends! Don’t stay in and mope, make it awesome! Get together, go for dinner, come find me at my stand-up and show and party until the early hours, it will be your best v-day yet!

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Luisa, all my friends and colleagues think I’m shy – how do I unleash my sassy side around them?

Take some Viagra and go into work drunk. Let the fun times roll.

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Help Lusia! I’m in a happy relationship but I want to spend Valentine’s Day with my girlfriends, how do I tell my partner?

Make love to him so hard, get to the point of climax, stop and tell him you would love to carry on but you’re really worried you’re going to hurt his feelings because you’re going out with the girls, if you get the timing just right then he’ll agree to anything and go to sleep happy.

Get tickets for Luisa Omielan’s Single Ladies Valentines’s Ball, tomorrow (14 February) at Islington Assembly Hall, London.