Comedy
Interview
Kai Humphries is a better knitter than Daniel Sloss
The comedian discusses Kid Cudi, Marmite, and the Newcastle player everyone mistakes him for
Kai Humphries is happy to be back on the road – and happy that he still remembers his words. “I hadn’t done the show since the Fringe Festival,” he says. “So it was like the memory game, going from not having said these words for six weeks to talking for an hour. There’s quite a lot of talking. I was going over my notes beforehand. I wasn’t nervous about it because I knew I’d say something, but I was just apprehensive about whether I’d remember everything.” Luckily, he did. “There’s one thing being funny and writing jokes, the other thing’s remembering it – because not many writers have to do that,” he muses. “If you write books or write for magazines or whatever, you never have to actually memorise the words. When you write the words, that’s usually it.”
You get a sense of how naturally funny Humphries is very early on in conversation, and not because he’s overly concerned with trying to dazzle you. Chatting to him is like chatting to your funniest friend, if your funniest friend was funny enough to launch his own successful career in stand-up and tour with Daniel Sloss. This month, Humphries is back on the road, touring his new show Gallivanting across the UK. We got stuck in a lift with him to talk about working with Steve-O from Jackass, his controversially uncontroversial opinions on Marmite, and the time that he and Daniel Sloss got very competitive over Christmas jumpers.
Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?
Somebody I could talk with. I think another comedian would probably be the best bet because I wouldn’t actually humiliate myself talking about comedy, because I’ve actually got some chat about that. Maybe Bill Burr, because it would be nice to have his insight where he can’t escape to the left side of the bar.
Who would you least like to be stuck in a lift with?
Piers Morgan. I think I’d end up swinging for him. They’d just open the lift doors and it’d be like a murder scene.
What’s the weirdest interaction you’ve ever had with a famous person?
I’ve actually been stuck in a lift with a famous person – well, not stuck in a lift, but we were in a lift. It was David James, the ex-England goalkeeper. When you see him, he’s undeniably David James. He’s just a big man, and he looks like David James, so there’s not really a doubt in your mind that it was the goalkeeper that played for England. I still just didn’t talk to him or acknowledge him, just because I was in a lift, and I didn’t want him to be stuck in a lift with someone that was fanboying.
For the most part, everyone’s been pretty pleasant. I met Dave Chappelle and ended up backstage with him and he just shook my hand and got a photo. Most famous people I’ve met have just been nice. Oh, I did open for Steve-O from Jackass. I used to watch him doing all them stunts when I was a teenager, stapling his nuts to a stack of paper or whatever, and then all of a sudden he’s teetotaling and I’m warming up the crowd for him, just going, “How did this happen?”
What was he like?
Really chill. He knew what his crowd wanted. He was like, “I want to do stand up comedy, but they want to see me doing stunts, so I’m going to tell a story and then set my head on fire.” He would put deodorant or something on his head and then set his head on fire, and then put it out with a wet towel, and then do another joke.
What was the last show you saw?
Hamilton. My wife loves Hamilton, and she actually made me watch it on Disney. I thought I was gonna dislike it. I just thought it wasn’t gonna be for me. I like rap music, and I thought, like it would just make a mockery of rap music. But I really enjoyed it. So I got her tickets for that, and we went down to London and watched Hamilton.
What’s on your rider?
I found out yesterday that the technical rider that’s been getting sent through to these small venues – because I’m doing kind of grassroots-level, 100-seaters – is the exact same one that Daniel Sloss does. He’s on my agency, and he’s my best friend, and I now open for him. The rider from those shows has been getting sent through to venues, and it’s the same rider. So these little pokey studio rooms above a pub are getting the same rider that the Palladium would get.
As far as the food rider goes, I’ve been doing BYOB. I went for an Indian meal before the last gig in Chelmsford. I’ve just been going in, doing my soundcheck, and then going out and eating off the premises. But when I have done Daniel’s tours, I’ve been adding hummus, and it’ll just look like he did that because he’s the middle class one. That’s my favourite thing about being a middle class tourist: the hummus and the avocado.
What work of yours didn’t get the attention it deserved?
Something I did ages ago is just starting to get attention now. I did a show in 2015 called How To Be Happy. At the very end of the show, I wrote this long speech about how to be happy and what the secret to happiness is. I really made it like super wanky by putting on Hans Zimmer in the background, and I dimmed the lights, and I made it like a real parody, and it was a five-minute speech that I boiled down to four words at the end, which was the secret of how to be happy. At the time the show did alright – I did some solo shows on the road with it, and festivals, and it went down well, but it didn’t really pop. I just put it online two months ago, and it’s still flying now. It’s at about 6 million across all platforms. It’s a nine-year-old clip, and it’s finally starting to do the rounds, and everyone’s starting to see it.
What’s the worst advice you’ve ever been given?
I tend not to remember the bad advice, because I feel like I’ve got a good filter with advice. So if somebody gives us bad advice, I’ll thank them for it and not take it. There was one bit of advice… I’m going to throw my own agent another bus. I’d made friends with a few comedians like Sarah Milligan and Kevin Bridges when I started, who were doing better than me. When I was doing my first Fringe Festival, she asked me to ask them for quotes for the poster, and I emailed them. Even when I was emailing them, I felt icky about doing it. They all replied saying no. I was really humiliated because I didn’t want to message them asking for quotes for my poster. Just like: “It’s really funny – Kevin Bridges” or whatever. It’s just corny. They’ve got their own careers going on. They don’t need to be helping me. If they did help me, it would be voluntarily. It wouldn’t be because I went on the beg. But my agent was like, “No, it’s your first festival. You won’t have any quotes from journalists on your poster, so you might as well ask these up-and-coming stars if they’ll vouch for you.” Her heart was in the right place, it really was. But I just wish I hadn’t taken that advice, because I was humiliated by it.
Have you spoken to them about it since then?
I haven’t seen a great deal of Sarah since, other than a few times, but I’ve hung out with Kev at festivals and stuff since then. That was right at the start of my career, in 2010, and I’ve laughed with him about it.
What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
I had to pack lipsticks on a conveyor belt, and what I would do is fold the box into the shape of a box from like a flat pack, and then I’d get the instructions of how to use lipstick – which I’m sure most people just know anyway – and I’d fold it into a W shape and put that in the box. Then you’d put the lipstick in one side of the W shape, and then the other you’d put the clear gloss, and then you’d pop them in. Then each of them would go into a bigger box. Once you’d filled one of the bigger boxes, you put it on the conveyor belt and rinse and repeat for 12 hours.
If you had to have a song playing every time you walked into a room, what would it be?
Pursuit of happiness by Kid Cudi. I think that works with every mood you’re in. If you’re in a good mood, it amplifies your good mood. If you’re feeling a bit done, it sits with you. Wherever you are on the spectrum of your mood, like it sits with you. It’s a song for any occasion.
Who do you often get told you look like?
It’s a tie between Limmy, the Scottish comedian, and Sean Longstaff, the Newcastle United footballer. I know a clip’s doing well when people start saying, “Has Sean Longstaff started comedy? Or is that Limmy? I thought that was Limmy for a second.” Like, if a clip starts doing well and starts reaching people who don’t know who I am, that the Sean Longstaff and Libby comments come in thick and fast. I was wondering if they get comments about each other. Does Sean get comments saying he looks like Libby and vice versa, or am I just a conduit? The good thing is for Sean Longstaff is that I met his brother, Matty, who plays for Toronto FC when I was gigging in Toronto. He come to the show and I got a photo with him backstage. So anytime someone tells me I look like Sean Longstaff, I just sent them a picture of me and his brother.
What’s your most controversial food opinion?
That I’m ambivalent about Marmite. Don’t love it, don’t hate it. I can take it or leave it.
What film have you most re-watched?
Even though I haven’t watched it in about 20 years, I think the film Friday with Ice Cube and Chris Tucker. I used to put that on like a good album. I’d just have the VHS playing in the background. Even my second place most watched film, I’d have to watch that probably another hundred times before ever caught up with the film Friday.
But you haven’t watched it in about 20 years?
Nah, I’m scared to see how it’s aged. It’s probably terrible.
Do you have any superstitions?
I try not to have any because it’s foolish. There was a t shirt that I just stopped wearing on stage, because I remember I did a gong show, which is a thing a few venues do for grassroots comedy. It’s for people who’ve just started and anybody can sign up, but they’ve got a gong and they’ll gong you off if the crowd want you gone. I got gonged off one of my first ones at the Frog and Bucket, and I had this t-shirt on. After that, anytime I went to wear this t-shirt for a gig, I thought about that moment, and I was just like, “Nah.” Not like, “This t-shirt’s bad luck, this is the reason I did bad on that gig,” but because every time I put it on, I thought about that moment and I was like, I don’t need something just triggering that thought every time I put it on.
What’s the skill that you have that no-one else knows you’re great at?
That nobody knows I’m great at? If I’m good at something, people know about it. I got really, really good at knitting. Actually, here’s a picture of the Christmas sweater I made Daniel Sloss.
Oh, that’s amazing.
Yeah, I had to switch the colours back and forward as I went. He knitted the one I’m wearing and I knitted the one he’s wearing. We got really, really good at it. Not just like, we know how to knit, but like, we got fucking exceptional at knitting. And that’s because we had an ‘anything you can do, I can do better’ kind of conversation. If I went, “I’m better at fighting.” He’s like, “Yeah, but you used to train in boxing. Of course you are.” He would say he was better at stand up, and I’m like, “Well, you started before me, and you do a longer stage time every day. You’ve got more hours in the bank than me.” So, like, we couldn’t really judge who was better at these things, because we didn’t start from zero to pick something that neither of us had even looked at. We went for knitting, and we said, “Right in a year, let’s see who can knit the best Christmas jumper.”
Who won?
The competition didn’t get put to the public, but I think we both know I did.
